whats the point?

my grandma is down here this week to just kinda hang out and its really been stressing me out. it really makes me wonder what the point of life is. and is it a right of passage to grow up and see your parents deteriorate? my dad is having a really hard time and that puts tension in the whole family. i mean, on top of these thoughts i just heard a song called then they do by trace adkins and all i can think of is if thats part of the meaning of life. to be little, grow up, fall in love, raise a family and then be done. take care of your kids so when you get old they can take care of you? it seems cruel in a sense that everyone will die and people always say the parents should go before the children but why is that? is it easier for the kids to move on with their life without the people who raised them and molded them into who they are today or is it because its harder for a mother to bury her child who she gave birth to and raised to be the person they were.  either way i believe its unbelieveably hard to handle and it makes me apprehensive about the future. i know im still young and i dont have to worry about anything anytime soon but it scares me. i dont ever want to have to bury my parents but then again i wouldnt want them to have to bury me.  i want to have a fairy tail ending, ie. fall madly in love get married have kids but whats after that? what happens after that? i guess i just have to wait and find out but ive always hated to wait. im impatient and not too fond of surprises. one day possibly it will be clear but until then im just a little worried about what the future holds for me…

this is real, this is me

i joined a gym friday. why? because i disgust myself. i hate every part of who i am and can just hope maybe if i change my appearance i can love the person on the inside. because right now as i see it im unloveable, undesireable and i just want to be somebody, anybody different.

 

i realized im jealous of just about everyone which is not good. i mean there are the people who are better than me of course, ie. prettier, smarter, skinnier, funnier, more photographic, take better pictures, loveable, happier, more themselves…. im jealous of every single one of them. i wish, i just wish i could be happy with myself. i wish i didnt feel like i have to pretend to be happy or pretend to be something sometimes i just want someone to talk to, just someone who doesnt expect me to be happy and cheerful and what not. i needed someone like that tonight. i realized just how much vance impacted my life as well as my familys’ since this was richies birthday and there was no “Vance, dont say that!” or “STOP THAT!!” heard embarrasingly loud by my aunt yelling at him to stop making dirty jokes.  there was such a void today and it hit me in the middle of jarassic park of all movies. ….its been four months and two days and its never really hit me until today that he is really gone. it didnt hit me in the hospital, it didnt hit me at his funeral, it hit me today at richies party he really wont be here anymore and im feeling soo helpless once again. i guess the pain really wont ever completely go away….. 

i just want a hug….thats all…

goodnight

falling

its completely amazing how in the past few weeks i have talked on the phone every single day and night to this guy and we have not even met yet. i think its awesome that we are building a foundation on communication and i can just talk about nonsense with him but i can also be serious. i love how he calls just to see how my day is going or just to say hi. it makes me feel completely special. and i love how he calls me sweetheart and baby. he is a marine and 22. and there is just something about him that im utterly facinated with. ok, enough with that lets talk about something else.

i failed history. BUT i passed my final and my research paper haha. that didnt help me pass the class though cause that teacher was super mean and hated me. but ive been through a LOT these past 2 months that made it difficult to really concentrate on history homework.  my cousin was in the hospital last night and im just glad she got there when she did. she ended up having the exact same thing [MRSA] that killed her brother march 12. its soo hard to think of what would have happened to my family if we had lost her as well to the same thing. so now im hoping everything will be ok with her and work out. she got to go home earlier today so thats good.

i need to go to sleep. im waking up to be at work at 5 in the morning and frankly i want to think about the guy i am crushing on right now. i dont know if its even good for me to like him this much because we have never met in person. but we talk every day whether its by text, phone or im we talk and its amazing. im hoping once we meet he will still like me and possibly oh i dont know… oh but i really do =] maybe he will want to date me that would be really cool. really really really really exciting. i dont know though, im just super stoked.

 

oh and i have the best friend in the world.

thanks for being there for me em you know ill always be there for you as well =]

care to procrastinate?

well here i am sitting in my kitchen listening to music attempting to write a report for history… its not going too well. i have 1/5 of it done and its 201 in the morning. can you say procrastination? and i dont even have any clue as to why im on here typing it up. i could be using my time more wisely and actually do my work instead of typing up a blog.  i got someone to cover my shift today for work because i know how i am. i wont really work on it until about 3-4 and i would have had to be at work at 450. yeah thats early i know.

so i have decided to play around here instead for the moment. i figured out how to change my stuff around and make it prettier. the picture on my header i love that photo. i went to the lake with my best friend and we did photos. it was a truly amazing day. so yeah. i love photography it makes me happy. i love how one photo can capture tons of emotions and literally take my breath away. maybe its just me but its something im truly passionate about.  i hope to one day do something with photography in my life but im scared im not good enough. i mean im not anything special. there are tons of people who are billions of times better than me. in the vast sea of artists im just a medeocre person who wants to be good. i doubt i am.

so i decided im meeting him. it will be fun

may 17th im going to a concert and my cousin is helping put it all together so you know what i get to do? thats right! i get to hang out with the bands and chill backstage. who are these bands you ask? well there is infair verona, scenes and sirens, the secret handshake, young and divine, forever the sickest kids, artist vs. poet and quite a few more. but im just super stoked. i mean i get to hang out with these bands and i hope they are as cool as i have imagined.

im lame i need to get back to my report now.

goodbye

 

realization

 

 

wow so this is my first blog. lets see how this thing works out for me…..

first of all these blogs are for me. i dont know when ill write and i dont know why im writing. i suppose its really for me to just work out my thoughts. as its easier to type everything up onto the computer than to write it down or even talk to other people about it in person. im just now getting the hang of this site so i still dont quite know how to change around my page and what not but once i do it will be pretty. oh i can see it now!

yesterday i was shopping for some new clothes and it hit me. my self image is soo distorted. i think im soo much larger than i really am. the person i see in the mirror and the person who walks down the street that everyone else sees are completely different.  the pants i tried on are 2 sizes smaller than what i thought i wore. and when i got them i was just “trying them on for fun cause i knew they wouldnt fit”. so theres good news and bad news in this. you see the good news is ive lost weight! and for the bad news. it may not be the healthiest way i have gone about it. but i realize that. i have realized that i have horrible self image and self worth.

thats all i really have to say. oh that and im thinking about meeting this guy i met off facebook. funny i may be doing one of the things i told my parents id never do…. i guess this just proves to say “Never say never!”

i must go. i have to go pick up my best friends sister from school as my best friend is out of town right now.