whats the point?

my grandma is down here this week to just kinda hang out and its really been stressing me out. it really makes me wonder what the point of life is. and is it a right of passage to grow up and see your parents deteriorate? my dad is having a really hard time and that puts tension in the whole family. i mean, on top of these thoughts i just heard a song called then they do by trace adkins and all i can think of is if thats part of the meaning of life. to be little, grow up, fall in love, raise a family and then be done. take care of your kids so when you get old they can take care of you? it seems cruel in a sense that everyone will die and people always say the parents should go before the children but why is that? is it easier for the kids to move on with their life without the people who raised them and molded them into who they are today or is it because its harder for a mother to bury her child who she gave birth to and raised to be the person they were.  either way i believe its unbelieveably hard to handle and it makes me apprehensive about the future. i know im still young and i dont have to worry about anything anytime soon but it scares me. i dont ever want to have to bury my parents but then again i wouldnt want them to have to bury me.  i want to have a fairy tail ending, ie. fall madly in love get married have kids but whats after that? what happens after that? i guess i just have to wait and find out but ive always hated to wait. im impatient and not too fond of surprises. one day possibly it will be clear but until then im just a little worried about what the future holds for me…

this is real, this is me

i joined a gym friday. why? because i disgust myself. i hate every part of who i am and can just hope maybe if i change my appearance i can love the person on the inside. because right now as i see it im unloveable, undesireable and i just want to be somebody, anybody different.

 

i realized im jealous of just about everyone which is not good. i mean there are the people who are better than me of course, ie. prettier, smarter, skinnier, funnier, more photographic, take better pictures, loveable, happier, more themselves…. im jealous of every single one of them. i wish, i just wish i could be happy with myself. i wish i didnt feel like i have to pretend to be happy or pretend to be something sometimes i just want someone to talk to, just someone who doesnt expect me to be happy and cheerful and what not. i needed someone like that tonight. i realized just how much vance impacted my life as well as my familys’ since this was richies birthday and there was no “Vance, dont say that!” or “STOP THAT!!” heard embarrasingly loud by my aunt yelling at him to stop making dirty jokes.  there was such a void today and it hit me in the middle of jarassic park of all movies. ….its been four months and two days and its never really hit me until today that he is really gone. it didnt hit me in the hospital, it didnt hit me at his funeral, it hit me today at richies party he really wont be here anymore and im feeling soo helpless once again. i guess the pain really wont ever completely go away….. 

i just want a hug….thats all…

goodnight