i joined a gym friday. why? because i disgust myself. i hate every part of who i am and can just hope maybe if i change my appearance i can love the person on the inside. because right now as i see it im unloveable, undesireable and i just want to be somebody, anybody different.

 

i realized im jealous of just about everyone which is not good. i mean there are the people who are better than me of course, ie. prettier, smarter, skinnier, funnier, more photographic, take better pictures, loveable, happier, more themselves…. im jealous of every single one of them. i wish, i just wish i could be happy with myself. i wish i didnt feel like i have to pretend to be happy or pretend to be something sometimes i just want someone to talk to, just someone who doesnt expect me to be happy and cheerful and what not. i needed someone like that tonight. i realized just how much vance impacted my life as well as my familys’ since this was richies birthday and there was no “Vance, dont say that!” or “STOP THAT!!” heard embarrasingly loud by my aunt yelling at him to stop making dirty jokes.  there was such a void today and it hit me in the middle of jarassic park of all movies. ….its been four months and two days and its never really hit me until today that he is really gone. it didnt hit me in the hospital, it didnt hit me at his funeral, it hit me today at richies party he really wont be here anymore and im feeling soo helpless once again. i guess the pain really wont ever completely go away….. 

i just want a hug….thats all…

goodnight